“If it’s not on camera, it’s like it never happened …. right?”

It sounded a little dodgy and I certainly didn’t want to be too hasty about being excited about this latest “official” installment in the Romero Dead series after Land (which I’ve watched most of again recently … in short, it really didn’t warrant a new review, it’s pretty unremarkable) ... but at the same time I kind of couldn’t help myself. Even though this mockumentary horror thing has been done almost to death now since Blair Witch leading through to Cloverfield, bringing the technique to the Dead series sounded pretty fascinating, and any time Romero returns to this series it’s exciting, as they’re always among the most important horror movies, if not always quite the best.

Overall, it works. While it’s not quite the “zombies in a mall” of the masterful Dawn, the social commentary here (though perhaps a little obvious: just about anyone who documents the dreary details of their life in a blog or who has neglected to truly experience a vacation because they were behind a camera the whole time will understand what it’s saying well enough) is certainly more pointed than that in Land.

It gets a little dull towards the end, the whole thing just isn’t as awash with the message as Dawn was, and it frequently becomes “just another teen horror movie”. But the end (“Are we really worth saving? You tell me.”) sends you out with genuine chills running down your spine. It’s in your face and feels like a hammer on the head, but it does the job of “implicating the audience” a million times better than, for example, Funny Games U.S.. There is some humour to counter this depressing stuff, however: I don’t think I’ve laughed more this year than I did over the “Hello, I’m Samuel” sign

Now, how do I say this …? Despite really enjoying Daddy Day Care, I still came to this expecting the absolute worst after the reviews and, well, just look at the re-casting they did. It’s almost as bad as Splash, Too, lol. The presence of Cuba Gooding Jr. not only makes it worse but adds the whole dimension of depressing to the picture. I mean, really: what happened to him?!

But you know what? It grew on me. I laughed. Loudly in places. I mentioned about the toilet humour in the first movie that I liked how it threatened to go too far yet never quite did. I’ve gotta say, here, the gross stuff does go a little far – you could almost make a direct comparison between the “I missed!” scene in the first movie where evidently a little boy with potty problems gives Eddie Murphy’s bathroom a new coat of brown paint, yet all this is played from Murphy’s expression, and a scene here where a kid vomits all over the inside of Cuba Gooding’s tent – I guess Gooding’s expressions aren’t as convincing, because he has to have some of the vomit drop on his forehead. Later, we get the full-on Problem Child/Little Britain style projectile stuff. Not necessary. But I did laugh.

In the end it has just as solid a family message as the first, and I was honestly slightly stirred especially by the son taking matters into his own hands to win the contest, also the climbing wall smashing down on all the trophies Scattered throughout are a number of scenes with a very cute girl called Telise Galanis who hopefully has a future. I truly had no problems with it. Yes, the first is better, duh, it was first. But this one really deserves some kudos for overcoming such mindbogglingly bad casting issues.

As with the original Star is Born and the political thrillers mentioned in my Vantage Point review, it’s been too long since I last saw one of the original St. Trinian’s movies for me to make a fair comparison here other than to mention that I know for sure I was a huge fan of them when I was little. I imagine it was one of my early, “I want to be one of them!” experiences even if I didn’t really know it at the time. When Rupert Everett first started talking about his involvement with the new version (a few years ago now I think), I was pretty excited but that excitement ebbed as Mischa Barton first joined the cast, then the whole Girls Aloud involvement, the way it was marketed, and finally the reviews.

Ultimately I came to the movie expecting it to fail on all levels – the nostalgia of the old movies, a re-imagining or modern updating thereof that actually worked, even the slightly dodgy “perv appeal” a lot of the criticism has been aimed at. To my astonishment, I enjoyed every second of it and I imagine it’s a movie that I will wind up watching far too many times for my own good in the future. It works on all of the levels mentioned above and then some. No, it’s not going to win any awards. But though it mightn’t seem like it sometimes, I do enjoy a little pure entertainment from time to time; and this is the kind of thing that for me fits the bill. It couldn’t have been better.

Another case of me going “WTF?” over my old review. Best in trilogy indeed I don’t know what I was thinking – though I fully remember watching it that time and finding something about it I really loved, I have no idea what it was, and this time around was just exactly the same as the first time … just a huge, pointless, rambling disappointment.

I’ll give it the showdown between Neo and Smith – that’s what we’re here for. And, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, again I slightly underappreciated the visuals of this finale in the past. But really even here the movie lets itself down entirely, when Smith delivers a 100% convincing monologue about “the vagaries of perception” that Neo’s pathetic, “Because … I choose to!” can do nothing to defeat. It’s just a shambles really, I don’t even wanna try saying any more about it. It’s a beautiful, slick shambles with a great fight at the end … but it’s still a shambles.

April 15th, 2004:

Now dare I say it… I think this is the best in the trilogy. I know, I’m as shocked as anyone. My advice to anyone who saw this in the cinema and came out practically even hating the first because it was so bad, is watch it again… really, truly, watch it again.

All of the Matrix movies have major flaws… they’re not Citizen Kane, The English Patient, Fight Club – how much you let those flaws ruin the experience though, is up to you, because there’s undeniably as many great moments as flaws. My thoughts on this trilogy lead me so far to one difficult conclusion, that they’re really not cinema – they’re art, but they’re something beyond cinema, because the audiences’ reactions to the movies, especially the sequels, is as telling as the concepts in the movies themselves.

It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m convinced that one day, if I grow to love one movie in the Matrix Trilogy, Revolutions will be that movie. But again, I have to say… the jury’s still out. But Smith’s final speech gives me chills more than anything in the series.

First off, I’m crazy for what I wrote in both those reviews below. I have seen this movie surely 5 or more times now and, again as with the original, it was only this time around that I finally realised just how brilliant the effects sequences – not just the big lorry crash climax – are here. It’s not as together as the first movie, that’s for sure, and it does end with that hideous cliffhanger that still makes me laugh my ass off … also, kinda like what I noticed about Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when watching it with non-readers, I noticed here how you really need to have seen the Animatrix shorts between the original and this because there are at least a couple of “huh?” moments if you haven’t. It is still a hell of a lot of fun though, all the way, and especially having watched Revolutions again just now and realised how bad it is, as a sequel to a movie that really didn’t need ‘em, they don’t come much better than this.

April 14th, 2004:

My initial reaction to this installment of the Matrix Trilogy was a little spoiled, a basic, “Whatever,” aside from the lorry crash which continues to meet my highest expectations like no other moment in the whole trilogy.

One of the series’ biggest flaws struck me on this viewing of Reloaded – Don Davis’ score. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great music, but I find that it’s a little like Joel Silver’s hype interviews that filled movie news shows all around the movies’ release dates – it overplays every single moment, making it sound like something is happening that’s infinitely, even impossibly, grander than what is actually happening on screen. It’s impossible to put this into words on the page, I’d have to play you clips of the score or something… but I’m sure it’s a definite problem.

The Burly Brawl is the biggest let down in the trilogy – call me spoiled, tell me that ridiculous defence “It’s all in a computer anyway, it’s not meant to look real!” (seriously I read this a few times…), but the virtual actors just don’t cut it yet, I don’t care how much they spent developing the technology. The funny thing is, there are places where they do work, in fast motion, etc, you can tweak them to make them work; but like idiots, they just had to go too far, put virtual actors into slow motion bullet time, so there’s no escaping scrutiny, and they fall apart before your eyes.

After watching the whole trilogy in order once more, I’ve changed my mind a lot about Revolutions and realise that this installment, Reloaded is the real letdown. Having said that, it’s the biggest ride and I could still watch it perhaps more readily than the other two. Like I said in my review of The Matrix, the jury is out on what the Matrix Trilogy means to me… but they’re endlessly intriguing.

Old review found! Courtesy of Archive.org – May 23rd, 2003:

I just wanted to write a few words on this movie, ‘cos despite my (current) slightly undecided feeling about it, it still blew me away. Why am I undecided on the matter? Why because, that is my purpose… just kidding :-p The third movie Revolutions is gonna be absolutely crucial to anyone’s final judgement on Reloaded and the whole series (though it has to be said, whatever the outcome, the first movie will always be a standalone masterpiece).

This may or may not be spoiler laden, I don’t know, I don’t care, there, I mentioned it. The movie ends, perhaps unsurprisingly, with the title, “To be concluded…” But that’s not all. It ends with a lingering shot of the ‘evilly-bearded guy’ and a hysterically funny music stab (I kid not, we’re talking of the dun-dun-DUHHHHHH brand of musical cue found only in parodies). I sincerely hope there was some tongue-in-cheek here and I don’t mean Trinity’s tongue or Neo’s cheek, ‘cos personally, I almost had to laugh out loud at the cheesiness of this moment.

Secondly, the BIG effect (you’ll know it when you see it) that ends the much-touted car chase is the ONLY thing in Reloaded that reaches the jaw-dropping peaks that the first movie was filled with. Revolutions simply MUST have more scenes of this calibre to make the series worthwhile. But boy, when it hits that peak, it goes beyond, any movie for the next 5 years will be pushed to match this effects shot.

A lot of people don’t like the Wachowski’s dialogue… I say they’re missing the point, I don’t know how to elaborate on that. They did the same in Bound, and I personally love the coldness of it.

This is all surface-matter. I think the true value of this installment in particular will be revealed in further more scrutinising viewings. There’s effects here that are hidden, like the matrix itself is described by the Oracle, when it goes right, people don’t notice, but when it goes wrong, you hear about it a lot. There’s a lot wrong here. But there’s LOTS to like, so pay attention. I’d recommend the Animatrix for anyone wanting that little bit extra depth (“Beyond” in particular… I want to write about that at another time, simply the most beautiful animation I’ve ever seen… the light… but I’ll write about it another time).

Like the ad says… Free your mind. You might like it.

I honestly wanted to start this review by basically saying, WTF did you expect? I kinda-sorta-liked the first AVP movie. And this one begins, if anything, better than that one did; throughout, it’s certainly slicker and better in the visual effects department. But between the earth teens storyline and the, “See? No Monster!” scene, just … oh my God. I appreciate that this movie is aimed solely at fanboys but come on, cinema is a broad enough medium that you can be so superficial and at least partially fulfilling in other ways; the first movie showed that in its ending. It’s been a long time since I saw it, but I swear, even Predator 2 was better than this under the gore and visuals.

Yes, still, if you’re complaining – and I am – “what did you expect?” is certainly a valid response … but jeez, it scares me to think anyone over the age of 13 is paying for this crap.

No, no, no, old review below! You bad old review, you!

lol. I’m even annoyed that I used The Quote in that otherwise damning review, ‘cos I was gonna start with it this time around. Oh well, I’m gonna do it anyway.

“Would you ever say, ‘Stop. If you loved me, you’d stop’?”
“Not in a thousand years.”
“Not in a thousand years … that’s my girl …”

Quite honestly, I could end the review right there. That single scene alone goes through me like electricity every time I see it. I’m sure everyone at some time or other has read a book or seen a movie or watched a TV show and wanted the story to go some way it never … not in a thousand years … would conceivably go, right? Well that scene for me, every time I see it, is just one of those inconceivable deliveries for me.

It’s the scene that always comes to mind when I tell people that this is one of the most romantic movies ever; what I always even forget myself is how romantic the rest of the movie is too. Sure, people are dying and those deaths are being investigated … but it’s always Florence or Sardinia etc … Lecter’s hand brushing Clarice’s hair on a carousel … it’s just got such a romantic approach to everything it touches. Even Hans Zimmer’s score knows it. I just love it.

1st September, 2005:

I still love the ending of this movie (“Tell me, Clarice, would you ever say, stop, if you love me you’d stop?” “Not in a thousand years.” “Not in thousand years…. that’s my girl … this is gonna hurt …”), I just get such a kick out of the fact they took the whole love story thing to its weird but perfect conclusion (my favourite moment in Silence of the Lambs is when Lector’s finger brushes Clarice’s) but the rest of the movie is pretty dull. It’s all interestingly designed and slickly produced and the acting is all round stunning, but for some reason it still drags.

One thing I do love about the movie is its dream-like quality – there’s almost no other way the movie could’ve worked, so literally insane is the direction the novel takes. Almost the entire movie here feels to me like Clarice’s flashbacks in Silence, and that makes so many of the movie’s flaws (eg. no matter how good Julianne Moore is as Clarice, she’s no Jodie) somehow palatable. However, even viewed this way, after a while it just feels a little pointless.

Again, we should really count ourselves lucky these sequels were made in the Seventies ‘cos the Eighties would’ve left us with genuine horrors. And again … why no girls? How can writer Bill Lancaster have stayed true to the spirit of the original film two times over yet missed completely one of its most unique and memorable components? I’m sure I’m not just being my cutie-obsessed self on this, lol – I really think they would’ve been 10 times the sequels they are with another Amanda Whurlitzer type in the mix to keep the boys in check. Anyway, this one’s even more forgettable than the first sequel, more an oddity being as it stars Tony Curtis than anything else.