“Oh! You have no idea what it’s like to be inside a body so much healthier than your own!”
“I know ... that’s what I was trying to find out last night ...”

You can rarely go wrong with a Steve Martin movie and this proves to be no exception, with the added element of a kinda-sorta gender swap (short summary: Lily Tomlin’s a rich woman at death’s door planning to leap into a younger woman’s body when the hour comes; something goes wrong and she ends up in Steve Martin) to appeal to someone like me. There’s little to say of it except it does what it says on the tin. I really loved the wrapping up of the younger woman’s story too

You probably couldn’t get a more precise blending of The Exorcist and The Omen (and, hey, throw Amityville on the pile too) than this if you literally cut them together lol; and a lot of the production values at best leave a lot to be desired, at worst demand the need for new underwear.

But this holds together well enough with decent performances, a proper old creepysad score reminiscent of Christian Gaubert’s for The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, and, in fact, almost by virtue of those very same production values that will leave a lot of watchers howling. If you’re into obscure 70s horror, you’re in for a treat. Yes, for the second time this evening following certain moments in AVPR, I almost had an accident when Cathy appeared claiming, “My name is Laura” with what can only be described as sh*t smeared on her face in an hilariously awful attempt to mimic Dick Smith’s makeup on The Exorcist that actually manages to outbad Seytan ... but overall, I think it’s some kind of gem to go in the box with the likes of Happy Birthday to Me, Sleepaway Camp II and Slumber Party Massacre II. I should’ve saved it for Halloween, really, but I couldn’t wait.

Well I didn’t think it’d take me 2 years to update this with notes on “The Version You’ve Never Seen”, lol. I’m sure it can’t be that long since I last watched it.

And it’s always the way – my Halloween schedule always gets changed … apparently even when I start a week early, lol. This was meant to be watched a week from now, but I actually wanted to watch it yesterday – and today Sarah made my mind up for me.

Anyway … volume up and lights down ...

“I think the point is to make us despair …
... to see ourselves as … animal and ugly …
... to reject the possibility that God could love us …”

I begin with that line because it’s the point this umpteenth time around where I remembered in a burst of emotion out of nowhere why I continue to call this one of my favourite movies. I just totally lost it on that line.

I don’t think I need to say, “it’s still a great movie”. It’s one of the few movies I know for a fact will always be great movies. They’re beyond the context you view them in – they always work. It’s about what William Friedkin has said time and again – “What you take from The Exorcist is what you bring to it.” I’ve brought lots of things to this movie and I can say that he is 100% right. It works every time because it works on whatever is plaguing you, or even perhaps what’s pleasing you. I’ve come out of this movie both suicidal (when the incredible phrase, ”... negative – in other words, normal,” probably leapt out at me the most) and practically a Christian. It’s amazing the spectrum it covers.

“The Version You’ve Never Seen” is, as I’ve said before, my preferred version, and the version I watched tonight. What’s added is without exception, as far as I’m concerned, essential. The hospital scene – “I don’t feel anything,” and the weird humming dance thing … sure, you don’t miss them in the shorter version? But they add an unbelievable other dimension to the creeping fear, the gradual transformation of Regan. The conversation between Chris and the doctor: their expressions following the c-word line priceless. The subliminals added before Burke’s death is announced seem like a cheap shot, but I have to say, I even like those – then of course is the spider-walk, which is scary in itself but also worth it for the reaction shot of Ellen Burstyn, just truly a portrait of terror.

But it’s in the second half where the VYNS additions really start to be something else entirely. The tape of Regan’s voice, it’s just heartbreakingly necessary; the extra stuff with Merrin … the beautiful line about drink, “the doctors say I shouldn’t, but thank God my will is weak,” his response to Chris telling him Regan’s middle name, and her reaction to his line, plus the extended break mid-exorcism ... it’s all so much more than restored deletions, and it makes a great film astonishingly better. To cap it all is the ending I’d forgotten about entirely – “How’s the girl?” “Fine.” “That’s important.” Detective Kinderman is probably my favourite male character of all time – in film and literature. He’s just beautiful. It’s covered in just one brief exchange before the movie’s infamous highlight – “You’re a nice lady,” he says, “thank you,” to which Chris replies, “You’re a nice man.” So simple, so warm.

Most of all the additions keep longtime fans – who might occasionally find themselves numbed by the whole thing – on their toes.

It’s just a true masterpiece, it can’t be said enough, and I feel odd whenever I say it because so many people have said it better. I recommend to anyone who will listen that they immerse themselves in the whole Exorcist thing. Mark Kermode of course wrote the Bible, the BFI Classics book which is now in its 3rd or 4th edition? Just the best long study of any film I’ve ever read. He also made “The Fear of God” documentary available on one of the DVDs of this movie – though every version I’ve seen in the past 5 years has had his parts cut out which is a little annoying. He “hosted” a commentary on the Ninth Configuration DVD, and also wrote notes in the margins of that movie’s screenplay – a movie, which, incidentally, I recommend you regard as the true sequel to this one. Not to say you shouldn’t watch Exorcist II: The Heretic – I happen to like that movie, at the least it looks great and you can’t get enough of Linda Blair as Regan – but The Ninth is so much more in line with the themes set-up here. Then there’s William Peter Blatty’s many other works in literature.

I mean, that’s what this movie really means to me more than anything. The fact it’s a great film almost comes second to the things it opened doors to for me. It’s ten years this year since I first saw it, and I think of all the things that could’ve made me a totally different person now if you just deleted it from my history Sliding Doors style? I don’t even wanna imagine.

Anyway, I also promised there would be ancient “extras” eventually added to this review – well, luckily, I found them in an HTML format from my old site so I present them here unaltered as found without having even read them yet. These go back almost 10 years, so don’t attribute any stupidity therein to the me of now

College essay (more specific, circa 2000?)
School essay (more about the book – though you wouldn’t know, lol – and also about Frankenstein and Dracula … I wanted to do Carrie instead of one of those two but teacher was apprehensive enough about me having one modern text let alone a Stephen King book lol, circa 1998)

November 1st, 2005:

Hmm, I thought I was updating an old page containing a review of “The Version You’ve Never Seen” here but I clicked through and found a blank space so I’ll add some comments about that version another time.

What struck me watching the original theatrical cut today was how good this movie is even minus the extra scenes I love so much in the newer cut. It’s incredible how the pressure mounts, exhausting to be bounced from possible solution to possible solution with Chris McNeil. Regan’s transformation from button-nosed little girl to terrifying monster is practically seamless. And the movie doesn’t lack a little warmth – first in the relationship between mother and daughter and later between Detective Kinderman and just about anyone he shares a scene with.

I don’t know quite what else to say about the movie right now, it all feels like it’s been said before. I plan to watch the other version again soon too, plus I probably have other things written elsewhere that I can add to this page. It really is the best horror movie.

This is an almost shot-for-shot remake of the classic, and one of my favourite movies of all time, William Friedkin’s The Exorcist, in Turkish, with very very bad visual effects. Most people will have the pleasure of never even hearing this movie (apologies for bringing it to your attention if you’re reading this review), but, being such a fan of the original, I couldn’t help but track down a copy of Seytan.

Most of all, it’s cute. For some reason you can’t help imagining these little Turkish men behind the camera, genuinely excited to be using the equipment. I imagined a crew behind the camera not unlike that seen in Frank Oz and Steve Martin’s Bowfinger. This is just bizarre speculation by me and likely nowhere near the truth, but it’s the only way of seeing past how badly made this movie is.

The weird thing is, although the movie is really really bad, there are actually at least a couple of sparks of near-great invention. Though I’m almost certain nobody had seen the original ending of the real Exorcist movie in 1973 (except the film makers) – the “happy ending” which has now been tagged onto the end of The Version You’ve Never Seen, my preferred cut of the movie – here in the Turkish remake, made just a year later, they go for such a happy ending, no hurling the audience out with a haunting “but is it really over?” hint. For this reason, I really couldn’t entirely put the movie down, because it really took me by surprise.

What I did like about Seytan was that watching it almost reminded me of watching The Exorcist for the first time. The quality of the copy I managed to find was a dirty VHS duplicate or something, and because the movie has perhaps the lowest budget of all time, the movie, too, looks filthy. It looks like something you’re not supposed to be watching, just like The Exorcist was in the UK when I first saw it. This has nothing to do with the cinematic value of the movie, of course, but it’s worth mentioning because the only people who will really get anything out of Seytan will be the die-hard Exorcist fans like myself.