Again (sorry, I’m gonna have to say this on all 5 of these, some people might be coming to the individual review page …), it’s about a week since I saw this now so it won’t be the best of reviews, though most of it I wrote at the time.

I don’t know quite what to say of this because, yes, I won’t deny it made me laugh out loud a number of times. I think it’s more the unquestioning acceptance it seems to have gotten across the board (Total Film apparently called it a “labour of love” ... huh?) which made me feel somewhat cheated in the end. I probably love Jennifer Ellison more than anybody on the planet and hers are some of the lines that really gave me a kick; I’ll watch anything with one of the League of Gentlemen in and Reece Sheersmith doesn’t disappoint either; Andy Serkis is the icing on the cake and Doug Bradley’s name in the credits should really have me on the verge of climax.

But this is really about the most convoluted, unoriginal production I’ve seen in years, made even worse by the fact it feels at all turns as though the director really thought he had something unique, and somehow managed to convey that excitement to the cast to get them involved. I’ve been putting off watching the director’s debut London to Brighton for too long. I’m inclined after this to put it off even longer but I think actually I might have to watch it ASAP in the hope it’s as good as “they” say and might take the bad taste of this one out of my head. If it is that good, then truly, this is as bad a waste of British talent as the industry has seen these past 2 decades …

Well, I feel privileged, because the one thing that could ever hope to make this movie part watchable is perhaps watching it on the exact day it takes place, that is, April Fool’s Day 2008 lol. If you haven’t seen the original production that this is a remake of, then it’s possible you might get the one-hit kick off it that I seem to remember I might have as an impressionable 11 year old or whatever age I was when I snook a watch of it with my brother many years ago. On the other hand if you have seen the original, then you know how it’s probably the most pointless and stupid cheat of a horror movie ever made, no matter what its cheese value may be.

I’d been misled into thinking this remake had made big changes in the ending and as soon as I got wind of this, clicking around the ‘net as the movie began, I immediately stopped browsing for fear of spoiling the surprise. Unfortunately, aside from an admittedly hilarious genuine jolt, there’s really no change here. It takes a full 38 minutes to really get going – the pacing is way off, everything up the the graveside scene could and should be covered in 20 minutes max – once it’s in the zone, it works as a direct-to-video slasher I guess, but what kind of praise is that? It has a very tacky plastic 90210 shiny TV people feel to it which is strangely appropriate.

I’m a sucker for event-relevant viewing options and coupled with that one little shocker at the end I can’t entirely dismiss it … but, meh, I’ll be going to the ‘86 production on this day in the future …

Hmph. Figures. I thought this was gonna be the old Brian De Palma movie but it turns out to be a remake thereof that I’ve never heard of lol. I watched anyway since the cast list includes Chloe Sevigny and Stephen Rea, and to be honest there are a lot of moments here where I could easily have been convinced – especially considering his recent output prior to Redacted – that it was at the least a much older movie, and at best directed by De Palma himself. I haven’t seen the original so I don’t know if it’s one of his movies that displays the stylish Hitchcock homagery he shortly thereafter became known for, but that’s what I’m referring to here at least. This is all well and good, and makes for an interesting 90 minutes … but I’m just left wondering exactly what the point of it was.

In any case, it’s better than a piece of crap – any time I find myself gasping, “Oh my god” over the gore content of a scene is always a good thing. To be perfectly honest, the ending of this thing feels more like the good old Seventies than anything I’ve seen outside the decade itself, right down to the Rosemary’s Baby ish score. I’ll happily watch it again – though after I get around to seeing the original, I promise.

I couldn’t quite remember the original Asian version of this except that I loved it, though bits and pieces came back to me as I watched this remake. Oddly, though this is to me as good a remake as The Departed or Dark Water (okay, I haven’t seen the original of the latter yet; what I’m saying is they’re good movies, great movies), I can still see myself watching the original again more readily. But for what it is, this is perfectly gripping. Jessica Alba’s performance is at turns surprisingly naked (not like that, perv) and she does the blind thing better than expected. Parker Posey is wonderfully cast as her sister. The ending absolutely made me sit up in the same way I remember the original doing, and I think anyone who hasn’t ever heard of it before will be in for a pleasantly thrilling surprise.

I don’t know what to say about this one – it’s a horror movie I’ve certainly been meaning to watch for a while, being as its one of Clive Barker’s few post-Hellraiser works as director. But your heart really sinks even as the opening credits roll – Scott Bakula, Famke Jannsen, who? and who?

The magic stuff is good, I guess; though frankly I’d sooner see something entirely unrelated like The Prestige or, a little closer, one of the F/X movies; there’s a noiry Blade Runneriness about the opening, and it winds up a little Temple of Doom like. More than anything, I noticed how easily could’ve simply been another Hellraiser sequel like, say Deader, being as the way that series went. That might have made it, if only slightly, memorable. As it is, it’s just a forgettable disappointment all round, really.

That this went straight to video despite the success of the Dawn of the Dead remake and despite the presence of Ving Rhames and Mena Suvari in the cast was about the worst omen a zombie movie could have, and I’d read some pretty bad things about it. As always, though, I seem to come from a different place than most interested parties on this one; I wasn’t that crazy for Zack Snyder’s remake of Dawn, though the original Day has its moments it’s still no original Dawn, and just last year I had, some might say, the misfortune of seeing Day of the Dead 2: Contagion, which I actually found myself kinda liking.

There’s nothing wrong with this one at all – that they even include to an extent the “docile zombie” element from the original is all I need to forgive any of its failings. No, that element isn’t probed as beautifully as Romero did; but they come closer than Snyder’s Dawn which, even though they used a mall and everything, completely missed the point of Romero’s original. The gore is fantastic, and frankly I’m baffled as to why anyone thought this wouldn’t do well on the big screen.

Lord … Ed Wood meets Herschell Gordon Lewis with a dash of John Waters lol. And by no means does this have even the semi-historical significance of either of those first two guys’ work – letting alone the artistic merit because, well, it’s best left alone, right? – nor any of the bite of the last. It actually makes me feel better when I watch a movie like this alongside a movie like Cathy’s Curse ‘cos it kinda reassures me and hopefully anyone reading that I’m not just a blind sucker for anything weird and obscure and dodgy lol. While Cathy went in the box with some of my favourite horror movies, this goes more with the forgettable likes of Mother’s Day, Bloody Birthday and Black Christmas – not to mention of course most of the HG Lewis stuff. I guess everyone has their own preferences. This one’s just not for me, and given the content, though I hadn’t expected it, I really would’ve thought otherwise.

You probably couldn’t get a more precise blending of The Exorcist and The Omen (and, hey, throw Amityville on the pile too) than this if you literally cut them together lol; and a lot of the production values at best leave a lot to be desired, at worst demand the need for new underwear.

But this holds together well enough with decent performances, a proper old creepysad score reminiscent of Christian Gaubert’s for The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, and, in fact, almost by virtue of those very same production values that will leave a lot of watchers howling. If you’re into obscure 70s horror, you’re in for a treat. Yes, for the second time this evening following certain moments in AVPR, I almost had an accident when Cathy appeared claiming, “My name is Laura” with what can only be described as sh*t smeared on her face in an hilariously awful attempt to mimic Dick Smith’s makeup on The Exorcist that actually manages to outbad Seytan ... but overall, I think it’s some kind of gem to go in the box with the likes of Happy Birthday to Me, Sleepaway Camp II and Slumber Party Massacre II. I should’ve saved it for Halloween, really, but I couldn’t wait.