“Charlotte has pudding in her Prada …”

Umm, yes, excuse me where’s my award? I actually watched it. LOL. Oh you ain’t heard nothin’ yet …

I didn’t realise while watching Mamma Mia and being swept away even more there than I imagined I might be (which was a lot) that it might need to become a new term for cinematic surprise. For – and I hope this significantly shocks anyone who knows me – I was most definitely Mamma Mia’d by this movie.

I never had any interest in the TV series – I’ve probably watched at most a third of three separate episodes, never making it beyond an ad break, lol. But I’m not a woman (not the kind “They” talk about, anyways …) or a gay man so that’s the way it should be, right? The movie sets up most things however, even while really even that wouldn’t be necessary because SATC is just one of those things you know of even if you avoided it like the plague for the last 10 years. It still surprised me how well the movie stands alone to a relative newcomer.

I still find it shallow – yes, even when, as I’m told, that means I’m “not getting it”. I get it. But call it principals, call it whatever you want, I decided a long time ago that I would never fall to the ease of telling jokes based on bad feeling, insult humour and the like – that line in West Side Story always resonated with me when Tony and Maria first meet and he asks if she’s making a joke by giving him the time of day, and she replies, “I’ve not yet learned to joke that way; I think now I never will.” And that’s me. So I don’t find much of these kinds of comedy amusing in the slightest even while I understand how most people do because it’s easier than taking that miserably honest stand. I could go on and on about such things as the image of the little girl surrounded by girl talk and repeating everything they say and why such rituals are the reason all these gender stereotypes perpetuate and over time become acceptable and so on and so on … but surprisingly, these weren’t my overriding thoughts while watching the movie. Like I said, there was a point at which these thoughts simply got Mamma Mia’d to one side LOL.

I think it was Mark Kermode initially (but I think a lot of people came running to his side and I assumed I’d be there with them when I ultimately watched the movie) who said the movie is just as shallow as ever and nothing more than a parade of labels etc devoid of meaning. Sure enough you get in the first hour what amounts to a filmed photoshoot of various designer wedding dresses and a parade of name dropping and product placement. But in the end I truly have to question exacty where those who can call a movie shallow that ends in the line, “dressed head to toe in Love – the only label that never goes out of style,” came to that conclusion.

For it’s in the second hour where the movie becomes what I kind of hoped it might’ve been but never once thought it would be. It’s kinda like Clerks II, the ten years later thing; “can we keep this act going like we used to? Yes, no, maybe?” It’s like what I wanted from Bratz which, though I loved it still, could’ve been just that little bit more questioning of the little things that are perhaps “wrong” about Bratz dolls. This movie shows the SATC girls’ tried and true lifestyles falling apart just a little with age. There are moments with each of them where they look downright hideous on the screen, and that’s okay. It really does go hand and hand with Mamma Mia in showing that there’s life after youth afterall.

Yep, I’m as shocked as you are. It’s far from the worst movie of the year. I laughed more than once; I cried more than once. I cried over a handbag LOL. But it’s what that handbag (err, purse) means in that moment, being given to someone who isn’t always clad in labels, that makes you cry. When Sarah Jessica Parker says, “it was the best money I ever spent” it’s got nothing to do with Louis Vuitton. This movie really does have something to say, and it really deserves a lot more effort to understand than most critics have given it – it’s their job afterall, if you ask me. Kermode asked listeners to write in to the Five Live show with their credentials and stuff, like in an effort to find intelligent people who saw this movie and enjoyed it. Well, I could mention my degree – whoops, I just did – but I’m still not as smart as he is when it comes to talking and writing about movies. I know that there’s something in this movie that’s worthwhile, but I’ve probably failed miserably at conveying that … but it’s not my job; I would love if someone like him could see this movie the way I saw it and talk about it. ‘Cos all I can really say about it is I loved it.

Jennifer Hudson and the little “sex!” girl were awesome too (and that’s really saying something about the little girl after that “coloring” scene was played to death in the promotional run-up to the movie’s release), I just realised I forgot to mention them.

“Damn, Hansel – I can’t believe you’re not a girl. You’re so fine …”

The moment this began it made me feel for a moment like maybe I’d been right to avoid it for so long, despite all the things that for obvious reasons indicated to me I’d be an instant fan the moment I came into contact with it. What can I say but that it touched some places in me that get touched so little I tend sometimes to forget them entirely ‘cos they hurt too much through lack of touching. If I haven’t hinted at it lately, let it now be said that there are times when I really almost wouldn’t mind an angry inch of my own if it was the only available option; it’d be like the lesser of two evils or something. The joy and self-assuredness expressed by the characters here is frequently overwhelming to me.

Hansel/Hedwig first struck me as far from the sexiest transexual to walk the celluloid screen, but she grew on me – we basically see her at her highs and lows, at times indistinguishable from any real girl, at times a broken mess; likewise the music, at first struck me as not my taste at all, but it eventually works its way to a slew of numbers that threaten to never stop making the hairs on my neck stand on end. It’s kind of Myra Breckinridge meets Rent (a connection that definitely goes beyond the cute direct reference) and I’ll absolutely check it out again. I’ve already got a whole bunch of tribute albums and cast recordings that I’ve been holding off listening to till I saw the movie itself, and now I can’t wait

“Oh! You have no idea what it’s like to be inside a body so much healthier than your own!”
“I know ... that’s what I was trying to find out last night ...”

You can rarely go wrong with a Steve Martin movie and this proves to be no exception, with the added element of a kinda-sorta gender swap (short summary: Lily Tomlin’s a rich woman at death’s door planning to leap into a younger woman’s body when the hour comes; something goes wrong and she ends up in Steve Martin) to appeal to someone like me. There’s little to say of it except it does what it says on the tin. I really loved the wrapping up of the younger woman’s story too

Lord … Ed Wood meets Herschell Gordon Lewis with a dash of John Waters lol. And by no means does this have even the semi-historical significance of either of those first two guys’ work – letting alone the artistic merit because, well, it’s best left alone, right? – nor any of the bite of the last. It actually makes me feel better when I watch a movie like this alongside a movie like Cathy’s Curse ‘cos it kinda reassures me and hopefully anyone reading that I’m not just a blind sucker for anything weird and obscure and dodgy lol. While Cathy went in the box with some of my favourite horror movies, this goes more with the forgettable likes of Mother’s Day, Bloody Birthday and Black Christmas – not to mention of course most of the HG Lewis stuff. I guess everyone has their own preferences. This one’s just not for me, and given the content, though I hadn’t expected it, I really would’ve thought otherwise.

The classic. I think. This is one of those movies I’ve watched so many times both for fun and for study that I can’t help but quote vast chunks of it out loud as it plays. There are just so many things about this movie that, to my surprise every time, lift it far above the quality genre pieces the other installments in the series are.

It’s a perfect screenplay, to start with. Syd Field talked a lot of nonsense (I realised, eventually) about screenwriting and his “paradigm” is broken down with every recent passing week, but one of his books I’d still recommend is “Four Screenplays” which simply broke down four screenplays – this one, Thelma and Louise, Terminator 2, and Dances with Wolves – and showed why his system worked, owing a lot of course to Joseph Campbell, whose thoughts on mythology are overwhelmingly present here too – I think Jodie Foster in particular is fond of talking about the mythical aspects of this movie whenever she’s asked about it.

It’s interesting to me to notice that all those four screenplays, all produced between 91-92, have some seriously powerful women in them – Clarice Starling, Thelma and Louise of course, Sarah Connor, Stands with a Fist – and one of the most stand-out things about Silence is that it was made at a time when doing the whole feminist thing still actually meant something, before people started to see such things with an eye for cynicism and post-modernism.

I like the lightness here too, though, and it’s something I noticed while watching Hannibal is yet another thing I think they got right (in comparison to the very straightlaced Red Dragon and Hannibal Rising) there; “If this door should fall down or – heh-heh – anything else …”, “No … no, you ate yours,” – I think part of the reason I for one really didn’t object to Thomas Harris thinking a romance was spawned here is because of how the sharp minds of Clarice and Hannibal right from the off even resembled one another in the humour department.

It’s really just one of those perfect movies you can’t say much of for or against, being as it’s there in front of you as it is and it couldn’t be any other way. Even though I practically know it by heart, I still love it, could even watch it over again right now just a few days after watching it before. It’s classic Jodie, definitive Hopkins, perfect in genre; basically, more deserving of the Oscars it received than just about anything since. What else is there to say?

This is a whole lot more fun than expected. I mean, it’s fun enough for around the first half hour with Heath Ledger – I think between this and Brokeback Mountain in 2005 we have another acting masterclass to match Russell Crowe’s turns in 2000 in The Insider and Gladiator, I mean you couldn’t ask an actor to play more different roles more differently. But here Ledger is practically just icing on the cake once Jeremy Irons and “is that really?!?” Oliver Platt arrive. I’ve always thought Platt a brilliant actor, Simon Birch and Pieces of April most immediately come to mind … but I’ve never seen nor did I ever expect to see him as he is here, practically doing Timothy Spall better than Timothy Spall. It’s very funny, very fast-paced, and with a lot of interesting things to say about religion, censorship, and gender: in the latter’s case, importantly to me, never in ways that annoy. Definitely one I’ll watch again – and there aren’t many recent period movies I can say that of.

It’s just impossible to describe this movie so I’m not even going to try, except to say that though it took a while to get started, longer to even come close to comprehending (I’m still working on it, as is probably annoyingly evident), there wasn’t a moment where I wasn’t completely absorbed in it.

It might be the “something even better” from 2007 I wondered about in my Oscars post last week. It might just be a load of claptrap – the thought certainly crossed my mind more than once over the 100 minutes. But going by the feeling it left me with … a heady mix of sadness, worthlessness, joy that just felt like a warm blanket when I was 2 or something … this movie goes further out there even than Vanilla Sky yet what it comes down to in the end is so real and right and wholesome … for now I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. A second viewing is a must … but whatever the case, it’s certainly a mindblowingly original piece, and a far cry from anything I could’ve expected from my occasional dips into writer-director John August’s blogs about it, that’s for sure. It honestly felt almost like a religious experience, and I know how corny that sounds but I just don’t know how else to describe it. A lot more Elle Fanning than expected (well – I didn’t actually know she was in it, lol, so that wasn’t gonna be hard) didn’t hurt either

Though it has an array of impressive action sequences and performances , I found this overall just a little too cheesy, especially considering it was written by Matthew Michael Carnahan who wrote the briskly engaging Lions for Lambs. Like, take Jennifer Garner’s character – though I liked her in the role (sorry to sound surprised, I just always still get her mixed up with Jessica Alba and Biel who aren’t quite so consistently impressive), literally the only thing that sets her apart from the others is this huge, “I’m the only woman here!” whine that’s shamefully overdone … here she is bursting into tears in the brief room; here she tells the soldiers not to cross the “pink line”; it feels like we’re meant to be impressed by a woman braving such situations but, oh dear, there she goes again crying over the coffins going home; I find it funny I haven’t got around to finishing this review until after seeing the other day’s “Daily Show” with the thing about Hilary Clinton’s “emotional moment”, ‘cos it’s kinda similarly infuriating, like, look, she’s a woman – see? emotional. Wow. Also, the marble thing I’d been told would be like a “Bruce Willis Sixth Sense moment!” really didn’t wow me much, and the overall message of, “ooh we’re all the same afterall!” was frankly done better in that moment at the end of Volcano when the little boy comments on everyone all caked in ash. Throw it on the “dazzlingly … empty” pile. Suddenly I feel like I’m seeing where all the “it was a bad year” guys were coming from with my recent watchlist. Is it too much to ask for a movie to be a movie from start to finish?