“You seem like such a nice beast. Well I certainly hope you are what you seem to be.”

I don’t know what it is about this movie. It’s undeniable how perfect an example of “bad” 80s moviemaking it is. It’s obviously comparable to “Alice in Wonderland” (you’ll notice a theme in the next few reviews, incidentally … it is a certain someone’s birthday this weekend, afterall …), not only in the “lost girl” theme but also in the rhymes and riddles she encounters along the way. It’s practically identical to “Wonderland” in fact – but for one detail, Sarah’s brother, the baby … the goal. The whole thing is set up like a video game. The wonder of wonderland, of course, was that Alice had no great reason to be there, it’s very much one thing after another (“Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”)

I guess the goal element comes from “The Wizard of Oz” – Jareth’s (has there ever been a sillier name for a villain? lol) castle as the Emerald City, you see the book (with a lot of other fairytales – not sure if Alice is there though) in Sarah’s room at the start – but it strikes me more as over-dependence on the Joseph Campbell mythology thing that started to dominate screenwriting around the time thanks to Syd Field and hand in hand with high concept and VHS produced hoards of horrors that still have my kneejerk thought on the Eighties as “the worst decade for cinema” even while movies like this always remind me it really wasn’t so bad.

In the end there’s just something mystical about it that defies explanation – if you know and love the movie, you just know what I’m talking about – it’s there when the opening credits music strikes up, in those shots of Jennifer Connolly running through the rain to “Underground”, at the strange diversion of the masked ball where she dresses older and dances with Bowie, and at the end with the upside-down staircases; ironically, somehow it just wouldn’t be the same without the tacky Eighties synth music and hairdos, lol. It makes you feel like a horrible wish like the one Sarah makes at the start – the kind we all half-heartedly make from time to time – really could be granted and turn our world on its head. It’s bizarre and silly and fun, but in the end it’s somehow a lesson that never gets old, perhaps because it never quite gets learned.

Spoilers below … but not for this movie … if you’re seeing “Wicked” any time soon, best not read the last paragraph.

Though I was really looking forward to seeing this movie, I have to admit I didn’t really know exactly what it’d be. After a year or so of doing so, I still find myself calling myself a Neil Gaiman fan even though I’ve never read a word of his writing outside his blog, lol. This following MirrorMask, Beowulf later this month, and Coraline next year, will surely get me to the books eventually.

When it comes to this type of movie the quality range is vast from The Princess Bride via Shrek through to the abominable Ella Enchanted. I think it was Mark Kermode who preferred to compare this to Time Bandits and I can see that too. But this is really more its own creature. Ultimately it kind of defied everything I expected from what initially appeared to me to be quite a messy opening. There are a lot of different stories here that come together in the end, and though it takes its time, it’s ultimately quite amazing how the screenplay juggles them (could Jonathan Ross be gracing the Oscars next year not as a host and critic but as a nominee’s guest, perhaps?)

The magic and enchantment stuff is … well, magical. It gave me that kind of feeling like when you’re a child and you actually believe in witches and things and when you think about being turned into a toad or whatever, you actually get that sinking feeling in your stomach like it might actually happen. Now, I actually do happen to still believe in a lot of weird impossible things you’re supposed to stop believing in when you’re no longer a child … but not a lot of things give me that stomach feeling – the last thing to do so was the musical “Wicked” when Boq becomes the tin man. I got it tons here, and I was completely absorbed and unquestioning for the whole 2 hours. It’s actually the second movie this week (Once being the other) which I really could happily have watched all over again straight after the end credits.

Whaddya know, a Cannon Movie Tale that didn’t make me cringe once. Maybe it’s just the Christmas spirit getting started I’ve had this queued for ages just ‘cos it has Nicola Stapleton in it as the young Snow White, and I was really surprised by how much screentime she has – more than half the movie – making it almost worth watching “just for her” even more than Hansel and Gretel, where she played Gretel. And it kinda makes sense, too – kids watching I’m sure will get much more out of someone their own age being the one who first encounters the dwarves etc. Anyway, needless for me to say, Stapleton is irresistibly lovable with her long black hair, the camera barely leaves her alone, and she gets to sing more than a handful of songs. “Daddy’s Knee” is just so cute it makes you sick, lol. The other songs are really surprisingly good, too … sometimes almost too good, lol (“Everyday I seem to grow / Isn’t it lucky I have learned to sew?” – shut up, I loved that line, lol)

Another thing this one does, something people are always criticising fairytale movies (especially Disney ones) of avoiding, is really deliver on the creep factor at times, like say when Snow White looks into the mirror herself, or the Queen telling the woodsman to bring back her liver from the forest, or even worse the Queen’s ending – which, while not quite as creepy as Terry Gilliam’s Brothers Grimm, will certainly give some kids nightmares. I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed this one, and I’d almost be more happy to watch it again than the Disney version – though I’ll admit that’s probably mostly the Nicola talking.

I was never particularly overwhelmed by either of the first movies in this series, and to me this felt mostly like just as unobjectionable a time-passer – plenty of big laughs, not much to tie them all together. But as I warmed back to this world – one I’ve never really liked as much as those dreamed up by Disney, Pixar, even Walden Media – I have to say, I found myself enjoying this the most by far out of all the movies to date; and by the end, I was even looking forward to the next one for once.

I did find myself wondering how entertained younger kids would be by it though – it seemed too often that they’ve forgotten who the main audience is. Am I the only person who was more than a little disturbed by the oh-so-hilarious death scene of Fiona’s father followed by a funeral scene accompanied by the song “Live and Let Die”? I don’t know, I found that whole scene very misguided. I mean, I can understand trying to see the light side of such things, but this just struck me like a mockery, and all I could imagine was some poor kid bursting into laughter at a grandparent or somebody’s hospital bed because his or her death throes so much resemble the cute little fwoggy. I don’t know, even as I type that I know how stupid it sounds, but it just struck me as really strange and unsettling, and few things do so I’m mentioning it. Luckily, the movie gets much better after that. I loved the whole college sequence (“How can you be a reciever of the wedgies, when you are clearly not a wearer of the underpants?”)

Come back Hoodwinked!, all is forgiven! Within 10 minutes of this one – which I was actually looking forward to seeing – I had taken back all the problems I had with the ‘updating’ work in the latest animated adaptation of the story. First point: if you’re gonna make a musical anything, don’t use a midi sound module in place of an orchestra – especially if you’re in the 21st century. Nothing infuriates me more than bad music in a movie, and if it’s a musical, well, nuff said. Seriously, musical aside, the music here is horrendously tacky. Only one movie I can think of has got away with dodgy midi-ish sound – and that’s Trey Parker’s Cannibal: The Musical, and the reasoning there is self-explanatory.

This is before we even get to the songs – when Red first bursts into song atop a lighthouse, there’s a moment of, “oh, maybe this won’t be so bad afterall …” but it’s cut short; then, when Debi Mazar starts singing, you know it’s gonna be a tough 70 minutes – personally, I nearly died laughing. Call it a coping mechanism.

My instinct is to say, “I can’t believe the guy who made Grease has lost his grasp on the musical genre so badly …” ... but the fact is, I’ve never liked Grease that much. For me, Randal Kleiser has just never topped Blue Lagoon – itself a pretty awful movie from the wrong angles, but it has some amazing aspects if you look close enough (and I’m not talking about Brooke Shields no matter how much that sounded like I was, lol – if you want an example, how about the phosphorescent plankton?).

Oh, and let’s play my favourite movie game!! Where’s The Only Laugh?? It’s here – “The cellphone user you’re trying to contact is either unavailable or has stepped out of the service area, down the shortcut, and into the dangerous part of the wood.” In all fairness, I thought that was a pretty great line. But maybe I was just desperate.

I had basically two reasons to hate this movie – 1) the animation – I mean need I say more, this is probably the worst “at a glance” looking movie of the century … when Red Riding Hood says at the start, “Your face looks a little weird, gramma,” I almost couldn’t resist the urge to say, “Uh … you’re not looking too hot yourself, Red …” and 2) y’know what? I don’t want to see Little Red Riding Hood all pimped out and updated etc. I like that Little Red Riding Hood is one of the few perfect embodiments of innocence in the world of fiction. The Christina Ricci “caca” version (which I really wish I could find again, any suggestions?) was about as far as I can take it and that was only by virtue of that version’s sheer oddness.

But, anyway, it’s the same old story – I’ve lost count of how many animated movies have looked horrendous to me over the past couple of years before I saw them, and only Barnyard has so far really delivered on the rottenness stakes. This movie is surprisingly watchable, the animation ultimately sits together surprisingly well, and in fact, sometimes some of the textures are pretty damn impressive considering the obvious limitations these guys had. The lighting is pretty nice, too. And that old innocence is definitely there enough for me – Red’s song at the beginning is one beautifully cheesy moment.

Suddenly I feel like I’m excusing the movie, like, “actually it was awful but I just feel so bad kicking it …” but really, that’s not what I mean. This is probably one of the best non Pixar/Disney/Dreamworks animations I’ve seen and at 80 minutes, it’s really not worth complaining about for the way it fills the time.

This is just a masterpiece now as far as I’m concerned. I’ve seen it that innumerable number of times and it just always gets me intensely emotional. I understand it completely, every single image, shot, line of dialogue, action, carries some meaning, and I just get the whole thing, like the whole movie was made only for me, I get it. So many people hate the ending: I think it’s absolutely mesmerizingly beautiful. The score is one of John Williams’ best, if not the best.

In addition to those who simply hate the movie, I can’t understand those who claim that Kubrick (who planned to direct the movie himself, from like decades earlier) would’ve made a better movie. This movie is Kubrick all over to me; it’s certainly more Kubrick than Spielberg. Heck, it’s more Lucas than Spielberg. Check out the complete change of story that lands almost exactly on the 50 minute mark, when we fade out on David being left alone in the woods and fade in on our first look at Gigalo Joe. Kubrick used to do this a lot, off the top of my head in Full Metal Jacket (from the suicide to ‘Nam) and A Clockwork Orange (I think the first is where Alex is arrested). Instead of the usual 30-60-30 minute structure, it’s the 50-50-50 structure (AI’s a little shorter than that).

I was babbling a little after watching this tonight and I stumbled across something I hadn’t thought about before. I was talking about how the visual effects will never age in this movie (and I’m sure they won’t: they’re simply perfect), then I added that the story itself might become obsolete, even if the effects don’t. That’s kind of scary, because all the things this movie addresses could be entirely possible even within a couple few decades. Then, I guess that makes the whole theme of the movie even more hopeful: if you want something bad enough, even if it seems impossible, or even just if people are telling you it’s impossible, just believe in it long enough, and one day it will be possible, because one day, everything will. Such a great movie to watch the same day as Finding Neverland, lol, now my brain is totally screwed :-p