“These are the jokes, people!”

Oh the warning bells. 2.35:1? Comic sans opening credits? Yes – Comic sans opening credits ROFL! No wait. I’m gonna say it again. Comic Sans opening credits. LOL!

I wanted this to be, like, the new Josie and the Pussycats or something. I’ve said it before, that I have no problem whatsoever with the Bratz brand – I love all those products and if I had the money I’d probably have a room full of them. There are far worse things going on in children’s lives and it angers me when people waste time whining about a toy as though each doll not only contains a mine of crack in its big bubble head but also somehow doubles as some kind of infant dildo. For the first time in this review: they’re not that bad.

At the same time, however, I also think it could’ve been incredible for them to use this movie to make a really scathing statement about the materialism, the beauty worship, y’know, stuff like that. That combined with Paula Abdul doing all the stuff she was originally meant to be doing on the movie could’ve resulted in a new masterpiece of bubblegum.

All that said, I also kind of dreaded it being such a wonderful thing – I love being honest, but I really didn’t want to be the person who followed a one-star review of one of the biggest, most popular movies of the year with a five star review of, erm, *Bratz*, lol. So I guess this movie made me happy by being … not quite that good? But, erm … I have to be honest, and it reached a point where I just started laughing and smiling and couldn’t stop … and I actually quite liked it. In fact the only part I’d agree is close to worthy of the IMDb bottom 100 is the point when they realise, “ooh, Bratz! good name” lol. But by then I was pretty much ready to forgive anything (even, incidentally, that the end credits are also in Comic Sans lol, and actually contain the words “Apple Computers” in that font ).

Ultimately, it is basically the High School Musical movies (particularly number 2) without the diagetic songs (till the end, I guess, but even then they’re just concert numbers and music videos). As such, I really don’t think it’s deserving of the hate that’s been levelled at it, in same way I think the hate for the dolls is a little overcooked. There’s nary a nod to the existence of sex (though there’s one line that really jars when a jock suggests “We could do a lab experiment – without the bunsen burner, y’know what I’m saying?”) and the meanest putdown is “Delete my number from your cellphone!” (that’s the moment you can actually pinpoint where the movie becomes so bad it’s good, lol – my face creased up so bad I worried it might stay that way, lol).

It doesn’t surprise me that very young kids love it. The tiny sister of the “mean” girl is like their representative in this world and she comes out of the movie looking like she controls everything. In particular for non-American kids, I think it has that “ohmygosh, American highschool is so cool” thing about it that I remember being so taken with by shows like “Saved by the Bell” back in the yonder. It’s also very colourful – blindingly so, with barely a second passing without a cut or something new and shiny entering the frame. There’s even a food fight. It really does check all the boxes, I think. It’s certainly hard to get bored here, though you might get slightly annoyed.

For the second time … it’s really not so bad – I found it far less offensive than certain other recent movies and there’s definitely a tweenage girl in me somewhere that was really fooled by the colour and the pretty people etc – and I didn’t spend the whole movie thinking, “umm – these aren’t Bratz,” like I thought I would, lol. In actual fact, I’m kind of surprised it isn’t already a cult movie to some degree. I don’t know, maybe it is.

I say, definitely double bill with Josie and the Pussycats. Add Sleepover for good measure. As a teen movie it doesn’t touch Heathers and Mean Girls and the John Hughes classics – but I’ve gotta say, this is one of those cases where I just feel I have to say, for the third time: it’s not that bad. There’s none of the scathing satire that could’ve been – but there is some semblance of a message that will be good for kids and even teens to hear. I have to say, though, 2.35:1 was kinda asking for dissent in the viewership, lol.

Hey, nominate it for Razzies at my pleasure – it certainly deserves to win something lol. I’d personally put it up for costume and Jon Voight (who is as surprising as I found Michael Ironside last night in Guncrazy) in the real awards, though.

Altogether … B.F.F!

(btw, yes, I’ve still rated it higher than that other movie … I promise, it’s a low 3 …)