WARNING: The Bitchiest Review Ever

I will, for the record, state that while watching this movie, I had already watched 7 movies the same day; that I thoroughly expected to hate the movie; and that I had alcohol in me. But I’ll add, and hope you’ll believe me, that experience has taught me that no matter what the situation, a good movie will grab me, even if I’m struggling to stay awake, surfing for porn, throwing up intermittently from alcohol abuse, lol (just stating the extremes, y’know). Oh yeh, and I guess I don’t like epics. Anyway, this is just one of those movies that makes me want to scream at Hollywood to give me a (and I’m not gonna censor the following because I’m angry, so block your ears you little kids and tweens and sensitive teens) fucking story. If you’ve seen Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and remember the opening scenes, I seem to remember there’s some noise going on outside the place Kevin Costner is about to have his hand cut off at the beginning; I think that noise is this movie going on. To me it’s about that significant. Screw those reviews saying Prince of Thieves was racist: it was a good movie, with a story and a memorable score. If we’re gonna get into racially PC movies, even then I’d pick up the pretty mediochre Hidalgo before this. I’m feeling pretty damn hateful for modern epics today, I apologise, and I’m gonna shut up before I start swearing even more. [Looks to the heavens] why do they all have to end with one bearded guy riding up and down a line of shady looking poor people holding spears? Why did they cast the Milkybar Kid (sorry… Calcium Kid… I get confused easily) as a beefy hero? What happened to heros who could lift a silver spoon sooner than be born with one in their mouth?

I think the problem is that Ridley Scott has made so many movies, and I tend so much to confuse him with his relatives and contemporaries Tony Scott and Alan Parker, that I easily convince myself that I love more of his movies than I actually do, when really, if I’m honest, only Hannibal and maybe Matchstick Men come close. So my expectations are lifted for a director who’s about as original as Bruckheimer (yeh… that means I don’t really like Alien or Blade Runner, so sue me).