I can’t believe there are people talking so seriously about this piece of junk, proto-fascist propaganda and Iraq war and etc, etc. But anyway, here I go on my own rant, lol . . . the themes and philosophies of this movie never – I mean never – venture deeper than those you’d find in the average computer game – so stop overthinking it. Stop reading now. But whaddya know, there is a computer game of this movie. No, wait – this is a movie of and for that game. ‘Cos if this was actually intended to be a serious piece of cinema, then the world just got one step closer to hell. Luckily it first screened at last year’s Austin Butt-Numb-a-Thon (how apt), so it doesn’t need to be polluting up my 2007 list Needless to say, it’s low down on my ‘06 list.

Anyway. Hold onto something firm.

What the f*ck have they been pumping into screenings of this movie to have people pushing it towards the IMDb’s top 250? Clearly the closest cinematic siblings this has are Robert Rodriguez’ Sin City which, like this, was based on a Frank Miller graphic novel, and Ridley Scott’s Gladiator, which, like this, was, er . . . like this – but there are also massive hints of Braveheart (“Hold!”). I didn’t like either of the first two too much, and while Braveheart was a classic, it certainly doesn’t need to be repeated. I didn’t like Zack Snyder’s last movie, his remake of George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, too much either. But the first shots I saw from this movie kind of got me very excited indeed. I think part of the misunderstanding was, I thought it was gonna be all CGI like Final Fantasy / Animatrix style, lol. So as soon as it turned out it was a live action movie, I guess that was the early stage where my expectations began to slip.

Anyway, after a 45 minute build-up (presumably to allow the target audience to get through their routine of trying to skip the ads and previews and ending up missing the first 15 minutes of the movie, followed by chatting and munching their way through the next half hour), there is finally a little pocket of visual brilliance that’s almost worth the wait and waiting around for – it’s the side-on view of Leonidas slicing his way through legions of Persians – berry cool stuff indeed. But then the movie remembers it owes a debt to another modern masterpiece, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, therefore monsters show up in ancient Greece, and it begins to get just a little too ridiculous.

I like to offer ideas of double or triple bills in my reviews ‘cos I always think a good themed blast of cinema is what the artform is all about, and there are a variety of options available with this one, beginning with the movie’s close siblings “Sin City” and Gladiator as mentioned above. I would say, triple bill this with Kingdom of Heaven and Alexander – if you have a death wish. A more serious recommendation to those unfortunate to find themselves really really digging this would be to team it up with King Arthur and Friday Night Lights. My personal advice would be, get Julie Taymor’s beautifully visceral Titus (*Gladiator* if you must), Frank Miller’s original graphic novel, and, if you are the embodiment of modern brainwashed masculine stereotypography that this thing is aimed at (poor you), a punch bag for all that aggro. Don’t encourage these guys with your money, because the next step will be the end of cinema as we know it and we’ll all just turn into popcorn buckets with blueballs on legs.

Somebody on the IMDb wrote something like, “Frank Miller’s done it again!” which first horrified me because amidst all the praise and everything it was about the stupidest thing I read there; then it kind of made me laugh, because though it’s flat wrong to attribute all of this movie to him just because his name appears before the title, it’s basically true – it would be even worse to find someone praising Zack Snyder as some kind of visionary genius of a director (I’m sure there are plenty such reviews) – as Robert Rodriguez did with Sin City (I hear – never read the graphic novel, never intend to), I’m pretty sure (correct me if I’m wrong) Snyder has simply transferred Miller’s images to the screen basically licking the fans’ asses in the process. That’s the movie’s problem – it’s by the numbers adaptation eliminating entirely the intelligence and emotion that is required on the big screen, the stuff that made all of this movie’s reference points the movies they were (even the ones I didn’t like too much).

I haven’t even got to how gay the movie is. I guess I’m loathe to mention it because it kind of amuses me that all these macho teenagers are going gaga over something that is so freakin’ obviously camp and homoerotic, lol. Seriously, don’t tell them – let’s just laugh at them quietly and let them find out themselves later

I said my long review of Bridge to Terabithia was a good indication of how much I loved it, lol. It’s good to know it works the other way too.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 29th, 2007 at 7:57 pm in 2 hearts, Movie Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.