“Damn, Hansel – I can’t believe you’re not a girl. You’re so fine …”

The moment this began it made me feel for a moment like maybe I’d been right to avoid it for so long, despite all the things that for obvious reasons indicated to me I’d be an instant fan the moment I came into contact with it. What can I say but that it touched some places in me that get touched so little I tend sometimes to forget them entirely ‘cos they hurt too much through lack of touching. If I haven’t hinted at it lately, let it now be said that there are times when I really almost wouldn’t mind an angry inch of my own if it was the only available option; it’d be like the lesser of two evils or something. The joy and self-assuredness expressed by the characters here is frequently overwhelming to me.

Hansel/Hedwig first struck me as far from the sexiest transexual to walk the celluloid screen, but she grew on me – we basically see her at her highs and lows, at times indistinguishable from any real girl, at times a broken mess; likewise the music, at first struck me as not my taste at all, but it eventually works its way to a slew of numbers that threaten to never stop making the hairs on my neck stand on end. It’s kind of Myra Breckinridge meets Rent (a connection that definitely goes beyond the cute direct reference) and I’ll absolutely check it out again. I’ve already got a whole bunch of tribute albums and cast recordings that I’ve been holding off listening to till I saw the movie itself, and now I can’t wait

I won’t deny, this movie is practically batsh*t crazy, but it’s certainly not the mess I’d been led to expect (Mark Kermode said it was practically unreleasable). It’s actually pretty damn compelling with a phenomenal central performance by Tim Roth, a beautiful score, and highly memorable images, most notably the final one that took my breath away like few things do and made me almost immediately want to watch it over again.

It should really be 30 minutes shorter, and I’d recommend the slightly similar The Fountain (which, incidentally, is 30 minutes shorter) more … but this is far from the failure some have painted it as. I hope Coppola isn’t put off by the criticism, ‘cos this movie if nothing else shows him trying harder to use the medium for all its worth than most film makers dare.

“Saaaay … would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They’re a little melty, but boy are they exquisite.”

Another I thought I’d reviewed more recently than ‘04 The main thing I’d forgotten about this movie is Claire Forlani and Shannon Doherty. Throw in the short Joey Lauren Adams appearance and I think you’ve got at least the sexiest Kevin Smith movie if not the funniest. I didn’t exactly bring the house down on this viewing like the one below but there are tons of moments that still make me laugh out loud more than a lot of Smith’s output, which more often than not I like more for the emotional content than the humour. This one on the contrary is pretty much all about the funny – the ending is stirring in that cheesy Eighties way that it’s going for, but it’s not the deeper territory that Smith has, I don’t care what anyone else says, touched in his other movies. I still haven’t seen Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back since the review below – I seem to be avoiding it – I really don’t think it’s as consistently on the nose as this one, though. The Jay and Bob storyline here alone is worth seeing the movie for, Kevin Smith doing the cartoon acting, playing to the camera completely, arguably better than he’s done anywhere else. It’s often spoken of as a somehow lesser work of Smith’s but I think it might just be the most essential companion to any given one of the others.

June 10th, 2004:

I must’ve been numb the last time I saw this movie which is why I’m filing this under “Virgin Viewing,” because I damn near died laughing the night I watched it this time.

I’ll probably eat these words the next time I see Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back because I’ll likely love that one on a second viewing just as much – but Mallrats is as funny as J&SB should have been.

Does it have a point, a story even? I could hardly tell you. But you have Silent Bob continuously busting in on Joey Lauren Adams trying to change, the poor fat guy trying to see the stereo image, “Oooh, a sailboat!” (“There is no Easter bunny!!”), Jay and Silent Bob beating up the Easter bunny, and plenty more.

Put it this way – if movies like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and The Exorcist can be described as, “an assault of horrors,” then Mallrats is an assault of comedy.

I couldn’t quite remember the original Asian version of this except that I loved it, though bits and pieces came back to me as I watched this remake. Oddly, though this is to me as good a remake as The Departed or Dark Water (okay, I haven’t seen the original of the latter yet; what I’m saying is they’re good movies, great movies), I can still see myself watching the original again more readily. But for what it is, this is perfectly gripping. Jessica Alba’s performance is at turns surprisingly naked (not like that, perv) and she does the blind thing better than expected. Parker Posey is wonderfully cast as her sister. The ending absolutely made me sit up in the same way I remember the original doing, and I think anyone who hasn’t ever heard of it before will be in for a pleasantly thrilling surprise.

First off, I’m crazy for what I wrote in both those reviews below. I have seen this movie surely 5 or more times now and, again as with the original, it was only this time around that I finally realised just how brilliant the effects sequences – not just the big lorry crash climax – are here. It’s not as together as the first movie, that’s for sure, and it does end with that hideous cliffhanger that still makes me laugh my ass off … also, kinda like what I noticed about Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when watching it with non-readers, I noticed here how you really need to have seen the Animatrix shorts between the original and this because there are at least a couple of “huh?” moments if you haven’t. It is still a hell of a lot of fun though, all the way, and especially having watched Revolutions again just now and realised how bad it is, as a sequel to a movie that really didn’t need ‘em, they don’t come much better than this.

April 14th, 2004:

My initial reaction to this installment of the Matrix Trilogy was a little spoiled, a basic, “Whatever,” aside from the lorry crash which continues to meet my highest expectations like no other moment in the whole trilogy.

One of the series’ biggest flaws struck me on this viewing of Reloaded – Don Davis’ score. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great music, but I find that it’s a little like Joel Silver’s hype interviews that filled movie news shows all around the movies’ release dates – it overplays every single moment, making it sound like something is happening that’s infinitely, even impossibly, grander than what is actually happening on screen. It’s impossible to put this into words on the page, I’d have to play you clips of the score or something… but I’m sure it’s a definite problem.

The Burly Brawl is the biggest let down in the trilogy – call me spoiled, tell me that ridiculous defence “It’s all in a computer anyway, it’s not meant to look real!” (seriously I read this a few times…), but the virtual actors just don’t cut it yet, I don’t care how much they spent developing the technology. The funny thing is, there are places where they do work, in fast motion, etc, you can tweak them to make them work; but like idiots, they just had to go too far, put virtual actors into slow motion bullet time, so there’s no escaping scrutiny, and they fall apart before your eyes.

After watching the whole trilogy in order once more, I’ve changed my mind a lot about Revolutions and realise that this installment, Reloaded is the real letdown. Having said that, it’s the biggest ride and I could still watch it perhaps more readily than the other two. Like I said in my review of The Matrix, the jury is out on what the Matrix Trilogy means to me… but they’re endlessly intriguing.

Old review found! Courtesy of Archive.org – May 23rd, 2003:

I just wanted to write a few words on this movie, ‘cos despite my (current) slightly undecided feeling about it, it still blew me away. Why am I undecided on the matter? Why because, that is my purpose… just kidding :-p The third movie Revolutions is gonna be absolutely crucial to anyone’s final judgement on Reloaded and the whole series (though it has to be said, whatever the outcome, the first movie will always be a standalone masterpiece).

This may or may not be spoiler laden, I don’t know, I don’t care, there, I mentioned it. The movie ends, perhaps unsurprisingly, with the title, “To be concluded…” But that’s not all. It ends with a lingering shot of the ‘evilly-bearded guy’ and a hysterically funny music stab (I kid not, we’re talking of the dun-dun-DUHHHHHH brand of musical cue found only in parodies). I sincerely hope there was some tongue-in-cheek here and I don’t mean Trinity’s tongue or Neo’s cheek, ‘cos personally, I almost had to laugh out loud at the cheesiness of this moment.

Secondly, the BIG effect (you’ll know it when you see it) that ends the much-touted car chase is the ONLY thing in Reloaded that reaches the jaw-dropping peaks that the first movie was filled with. Revolutions simply MUST have more scenes of this calibre to make the series worthwhile. But boy, when it hits that peak, it goes beyond, any movie for the next 5 years will be pushed to match this effects shot.

A lot of people don’t like the Wachowski’s dialogue… I say they’re missing the point, I don’t know how to elaborate on that. They did the same in Bound, and I personally love the coldness of it.

This is all surface-matter. I think the true value of this installment in particular will be revealed in further more scrutinising viewings. There’s effects here that are hidden, like the matrix itself is described by the Oracle, when it goes right, people don’t notice, but when it goes wrong, you hear about it a lot. There’s a lot wrong here. But there’s LOTS to like, so pay attention. I’d recommend the Animatrix for anyone wanting that little bit extra depth (“Beyond” in particular… I want to write about that at another time, simply the most beautiful animation I’ve ever seen… the light… but I’ll write about it another time).

Like the ad says… Free your mind. You might like it.

“There are just so many stupid, annoying, worthless people on the planet. They just like, get in the way of what you want.”

The first thing this movie reminded me of was my most shameless personal fave, Slap Her … She’s French (especially considering that movie’s alternate title “She Gets What She Wants”) ... but it’s a lot more subtle, extreme and subversive than that. It’s funny I found myself watching it during the BBC’s “White” week, in a way. The moment Evan Rachel Wood starts her speech about how wonderful it is to be white being as she wants to be an actress, all of this told to a Muslim student, listing Asian as her second choice, then Afro-American, and finally Arab … it certainly makes you gasp if anything more than I remembered “Slap Her” did – and where that race line goes in the end … I still don’t know quite what to think of it except to compare it to the other stereotypes in the movie, like, yes, the male and female ones, and say that it is one of those movies where the stereotypes really never bother me quite as much as they should, basically because the script just oozes smarts and Wood delivers those smarts in a way I really think nobody else could. It seems like she gets better with every film I see her in, and the final shot of her here is just phenomenal. James Woods, Jane Krakowski and Selma Blair are the icing on the cake.

“What are you all standing around for? This is the beginning of the world! Think of it. All of those people goin’ to see the pictures … and a lot of them can’t even talk American! But then they don’t have to because … pictures are a language that everybody understands … it’s like music ... for the eyes … and if you’re good, if you’re really good, then maybe what you’re doin’ is, you’re givin’ ‘em little tiny pieces of time that they never forget.”

I’ll admit, I’m not big fan of out-and-out slapstick comedy, and when I realised how jam-packed with such stuff this movie was gonna be, I thought I might be in for a rather cringing couple of hours. I’m no expert on silent film comedy – I’ve still not even touched on the work of, say, Buster Keaton let alone Harold Lloyd and who knows who else – but I think Peter Bogdanovich pulls just about every classic/cliché gag there is out of the book in this homage to the beginnings of cinema and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get slightly tiresome once or twice.

However, I really watched it for Tatum O’Neal – I wouldn’t have even heard of the movie were it not for the nice things she said about it in her great autobiography “A Paper Life” (sure, as a member of the cast she’d be biased, lol; but I trusted her comments) – and in that regard I wasn’t disappointed, she’s such a spark it gets me every time. As in Bad News Bears she kind of waits in the wings for a long while at the start of the movie which is good for me as it forces me to get into the other aspects of the story. It’s kind of a like a silent period Bowfinger, the little guys fighting against the Patent company to get a slice of the glorious new form of entertainment, and the small family feel of the thing reminded me very much of the Steve Martin movie, which I love.

As in Noises Off…, I’m awed by how much Bogdanovich is able to juggle at once within the scene – at one point, Tatum O’Neal drives a truck piled high with the cast barely missing a steamtrain over which is flying a hot air balloon, followed by the train (and its passengers) being doused by the contents spraying from a water tower – seriously lol, how much did this thing cost?!; another has the camera pan past a series of period movie sets (within the period of the movie itself lol); all the while people are popping on and off the screen with their own concerns; I’m always astounded by how these kinds of movies get put together, I barely have the patience when I’m trying to just write relatively simple stuff of my own lol.

The movie is shot by Laszlo Kovacs in that long lost way only Seventies period movies were shot. I don’t know why, but to me the costumes and set design, everything, always seems so much more authentic in these productions than even the best of recent times – it always feels more “lived in” or something. Ryan O’Neal, Burt Reynolds, and particularly John Ritter are fantastic fun. It’s certainly as special as Tatum says it is, and I imagine it could grow into a personal favourite of mine sometime. At 2 hours it could frankly be even longer, such is the warm feeling it fills me with. It could even be my long awaited gateway to watching more of the real deal silent stuff, ‘cos it’s that kind of movie that fills you with nostalgia even if you didn’t even witness the stuff you’re feeling nostalgic for. The line I started with above, spoken by Brian Keith (I think?) at the end as the camera tracks in on him is so perfect; again, I’m back to what I said the other day about the Oscars, it’s a celebration of the power of cinema, its importance. I don’t know if this movie would appeal to anyone who isn’t so enamoured of the medium … but it certainly got me.

Reading the premise of this movie, whenever that was last year, I couldn’t by any stretch see how it could possibly make anything approaching a good movie. But when it got the Oscar nomination for Best Screenplay, then I heard someone comparing it to Harold and Maude ... what can I say, but I was pretty excited to find out just how it would turn me around.

In the end, I think I like more the fact that this film exists than the film itself. It says – sort of – weird is fine as long as nobody gets hurt, which is like practically my mantra; and as quite the weirdo myself, well, I’d be lying if I said it’s a complete waste of time. Though its ultimate goal is that final healing line, “You wanna take a walk?” which tells us Lars is “back to normal” ... on the way there are certainly hints – like the big one in Lars’ office of a male colleague’s obsession with action men and a female admirer’s teddy bear which he later, in a beautiful scene, “resuscitates” for her after said male colleague hangs it (she hid his action men; fairdos lol) – that we’re basically all pretty weird in our own way.

I’m not sure it entirely succeeds – I hate the fact that for a lot of people it will only confirm their assumption that all quiet loner types have such a similar homelife, talking to inanimate objects or even thin air etc. Very early in the movie, Lars’ sister-in-law has a great line about Lars’ aversion to social contact. Ryan Gosling’s performance is reminiscent of Adam Sandler in Punch-Drunk Love ... in fact, the score sounds a lot like Jon Brion too. I have no idea where the Harold and Maude comparison came from, except in that it’s a “quirky love story” which kind of shows exactly the simpleminded thought process I fear taking the movie the completely wrong way.

The main thing that must be said about the movie is … it’s not funny. There are giggles in places here, but do not be misled into thinking it’s a comedy or you’ll only be disappointed. I think to get the most out of this one you really need to go in with an open mind for a quirky but meaningful psychological discussion about life, loneliness, social interaction and love. It’s extraordinary how touching it gets in the end when you consider the premise; how you actually find yourself almost slapping yourself out of thinking of Bianca like a real character, especially during one beautifully lit kiss towards the end; and considering that, I’m more than slightly awed by it to be honest.