Oh lordy. Couldn’t be happier I didn’t waste time squeezing this one in on Halloween, lol. This is hideously written, hideously scored, and has some really weird (and I know this’ll sound weird coming from me) sexual stuff involving schoolkids, camera lingering on the cheerleaders etc – and we’re not talking like ridiculously overaged actors playing the parts – one of the teachers says something at the start about ogling the young filly or something? ... and then the youngest of the siblings playing strip poker? “No more naked girls for you! You’re only 5!” followed by the creepiest child wink I’ve ever seen, lol … seriously, there’s some really strange stuff in here. If you complained about Bratz then you really owe it to yourself to see just how much more “inappropriate” children’s entertainment can be. When it almost offends me, that’s when you need to start panicking. This is even before the crap Austin Powers shows up and changes the movie from creepy to perverific.

I watched it for Taylor Dooley, and she’s good, the best thing in the movie, etc, but luckily I’m not fan enough of hers to really ever get the urge to watch it again. But this is ultimately the cheesy kind of TV movie that does nothing but make me mad. One IMDb reviewer put it as, “Your kids deserve better,” which is close; I won’t try to put it my way, because I’ll end up sounding like a raving lunatic. In short, it’s so sub-par it’s practically evidence of functioning evil in the world. That people waste time on sh*t like this and get paid is just a sham. Sorry, Taylor. You deserve better. But you do look cute as a cat (or whatever that costume’s supposed to be, rofl).

I’ve tried to watch this before, that’s for sure, but it all seemed new to me today and I’m not that surprised if I’ve turned it off minutes after the opening credits in the past. This, of course, is the Halloween sequel without Michael Myers – something which sounds like a bad idea even when you find out it was done with the blessing of Debra Hill and John Carpenter, who even penned a new score for the movie. It’s just really bad. I kinda don’t know why I thought it’d be a good idea to include it today, lol. It’s an interesting story for sure, but, like, a short story … maybe a part of a 90 minute anthology of four lol. It just goes on and on. The ending is nice, but really, as an installment in a classic horror series? This really is the worst blight there is.

Mmm. Of course, I’d heard about this one … about Uwe Boll … The first thing you notice here is, wow, what a cast! Michael Madsen, Billy Zane (complete with Fisher Price hair), Michelle Rodriguez, Meat Loaf, even Ben Kingsley. Who knows how that happened, for while Boll’s knack for directing beggars belief, the script is even worse. There is, on the other hand, some alternately impressive and hilarious gore.

To be honest, I couldn’t even begin to tell you what this movie was about, and I really don’t care to try; since my experience seems to tally with the majority of others’, I’ll dwell no more upon it. Unfortunately, Jodelle Ferland is in the sequel so I’ll have to watch it. Literally, this felt like having my brain scooped out for 90 minutes. It’s almost an extraordinary sensation thinking back on the movie, it’s like time went missing. It really scrapes out of the WTF rating for the shear surreality of that. Maybe I should have a WTFH? rating lol (what the f**k happened?)

Ugh. A film reviewed by its own title? It’s at this point I find myself very glad I didn’t save these for Halloween as originally planned. Apparently this screenplay wasn’t even originally conceived as a Hellraiser movie – and its even more removed from Clive Barker’s world than Inferno, if that’s possible. Apparently the director has stated in a commentary on Hellseeker that there he minimised the Kirsty stuff and other “elements from the earlier films” to avoid alienating non-fans (yes, I should’ve mentioned that there, I only just found an IMDb comment mentioning it). Like, WTF? Why are you even watching a sequel this far down the line if you haven’t checked out at least the acknowledged classic original? Like … I feel like I’m wasting my time watching it even under those circumstances … but with no background? You’re literally just slicing time off your life! LOL. Just avoid.

I am not having a good movie week, lol. But at least this one makes me feel better for any upset caused by my Pirates 3 review. Because this is a Drew Barrymore movie, which is usually worth about 2 stars by default before I even push play. But wow – this one is embarrassingly, cringingly bad, and it only gets worse as it runs. The set-up begins with penpals …

Yes, yes. Guns bad. But if you’re a sexy young movie star, you look mighty sexier holding one. I love how many of these old “just say no” type movies actually end up making the bad no-no thing look unbelievably, irresistibly, cool, lol. Drew Barrymore is always great to look at, but this is one of those movies from the time where you find yourself watching her very basic, any teen will do, style of acting, and thinking: how the hell did she ever get as good as she is now? lol. It doesn’t help that it’s yet another one of her “Amy Fisher” type roles – like, again … how did she ever escape that typecasting, it seemed like an indelible curse.

Personally, I’d rather watch any given other Drew movie – literally, I think any of them – the old movie of the same title from the 50s (no relation in story – they put a space in between the words too, presumably because it was the 50s and they were cool enough without spelling aids – I think it was called “Deadly is the Female” in some places), and that episode from “Blossom” that dealt with guns and teens (if I remember correctly, lol: I could’ve dreamt it, I don’t know, but it was very good I think).

Is there anything I liked except for the aesthetics of Drew? Well I loved the credit at the beginning, “And Michael Ironside as Mr. Kincaid” LOL … sorry, I have no idea why that makes me laugh so much, it just seems so much like the early-90s in a nutshell somehow to me or something. Billy Drago’s quite fantastically scary as the fire and brimstone preacher who makes the genius decision of marrying Drew, his ward, to an ex-con, even 2 minutes after berating them for laying together half-naked outside surrounded by guns.

But the moment this dangerous couple’s reign of terror begins, it becomes one of the most unintentionally funny movies I have ever seen – from the double accidental shooting that starts the whole thing, to a cop-killing, to the crashing into the mailbox to avoid the essential doggy, to their abysmal bar robbery (“That’s my whole paycheck! If you take that, I won’t be able to eat, pay rent …” “I can’t take the money, Howard!” “Well don’t use my name!” ROFL), and the OH-so-subtle foreshadowing of the line, “Cross my heart and hope to die!” ... I don’t think I’ve ever shaken my head in disbelief so much at a movie, lol.

But Ironside is good – in fact, really good in a role quite far removed ultimately from his usual hardness – Drago is good, Barrymore is cute enough, and there’s at least one really nice shot, a POV of a victim being buried, through which we witness one of the couple’s romantic interludes. But none of this brings it even close even to the usual default Drewsome twosome of stars. And I’m not just being nice to the Pirates. This one really sucks too. It’s frankly amazing things like True Romance and Natural Born Killers ever got made with stuff like this leading the way, lol. This movie actually made me want to shoot something.

rofl apologies for the title typo that has been live all day blush...

Tries to resist making a shamelessly easy gag on the “Nobody move, dropped me brain!” line, like … was that a screenwriter cameo or just a knowing nod to how the audience might feel at that stage? ... Okay here goes. The shortest, fairest review of this piece of crap I can manage would be: 30 minutes before Johnny even enters … what … thef*ck … were they thinking?

It should be known to anyone who reads my reviews by now that I was done with this series somewhere midway through Dead Man’s Chest – ie, the point at which that movie should’ve been rolling end credits. But I honestly came to the third part with as much good faith – okay, until I saw the running time – as I did that installment.

I just have one question. Who convinced these guys they had another Lord of the Rings on their hands? Yes – the original movie was vastly superior to anything anyone could’ve expected from a theme park ride adaptation. It’s one of the most recent movies I honestly feel comfortable calling a modern classic. But it’s still a theme park ride adaptation. It’s Pirates of the Caribbean. When did it become necessary to stretch one third of this franchise out to the 3 hour mark? When did that even become an option? Why did the screenwriters not hit, like, page 120, and not start thinking, “hmm, y’know what? this is getting a little long …”?! These are guys who used to write 80-minute Disney features! What happened to the story department? This story is simply not that huge.

It amazes me how far some people seem willing to forgive the whole overlong thing when it comes to movies these days. The dumbest movies are now stretched past 90 minutes, and sure, most people acknowledge the fact, but it amazes me how it’s usually a case of, “Sure, it’s overlong, but [positive, positive, positive]” ... when, personally, I can’t think of a worse killjoy in a movie than one that simply outstays its welcome … good or bad, doesn’t matter. If it’s too f*cking long, I’m just not remotely forgiving.

Then there’s the convoluted storyline, and another show of this ridiculously overinflated sense of self-importance I found reminiscent of Saw III. I don’t even want to think of the number of people who were clearly so up on the comings and goings of this increasingly more soaplike plotline that they just went with this final installment without once thinking, “STOP.” Again, it really shouldn’t be that kind of movie. We should not as an audience be expected to have been sitting around between installments worrying and fretting about these playground characters. Heavy emotional stuff has its place, god knows I’m a junkie when it comes to it. But not here. It’s just more time wasted for me.

Believe me … I hate that I’ve become such a freakin’ Kermode when it comes to this series, I didn’t expect I’d be ranting so much this time around but I guess I didn’t quite get it all out on part 2. Anyway, needless to say, and before I get myself started again – I won’t be going near either of these sequels again … I only hope the Johnny overdose hasn’t tainted my appreciation of the original on the many future viewings I had planned.

Mr. Verbinski, please: another The Mexican or The Weather Man after this, for the love of God. I’ve still got faith in you even though my faith in this show vanished 4 hours ago.

Or, Kocked Up (sorry, it was a typo in IM, I said I would use it, it’s cheap and nasty but frankly I couldn’t resist, so I’m just getting it out of the way right here).

Okay, let’s start with the excuse: if it weren’t for the Loudon Wainwright III “soundtrack”, this movie probably wouldn’t have even registered for me until it appeared on Sky or something a year or so down the line. Unfortunately, I’d lined this one up to watch before discovering via the Mark Kermode podcast that, in fact, the Loudon Wainwright score (he wrote the songs with the idea in mind that his vocals would be removed and the music used as incidental music, or something, according to an interview on the same podcast) was, I don’t know, forgotten about? And before I go any further, let me say: I really loved The 40 Year Old Virgin so none if this is just some poncy “eww Judd Apatow” vendetta thing.

So basically we’re left with a movie about a couple of idiots who make a baby on a one night stand and we’re supposed to somehow sympathise with them because “This is how it is, man! It’s so real!” not that we could, I don’t know, change the shitty status quo or something?; AND the film makers said, “hmm, you know that Loudon Wainwright III music we somehow got him to do for us? I think we should replace it with stuff that sounds like just about every other gross romantic comedy ever.” Just. Wow. Brains are dying as I type.

I’m just sick of this stuff. The whole “she’s having a baby and it’s drama” thing just does not work for me. And it’s not because I was unlucky enough to pick up a y chromosome on my way here. It’s because this shit should not be seen as such a “hysterical” accepted misery. All the shit that comes with a pregnancy – I’m even being generous to forget the whole one night stand part here, I mean any pregnancy – all of it, you invited it. It’s your payment for the bundle of joy you get at the end. If you don’t want all the shit, then don’t f**king invite it. If you invited it, then see the shit for the beautiful shit that it is. Don’t whine about it. And don’t you fucking DARE make a 2 hour movie out of whining about it. ESPECIALLY if you didn’t even know each other when you touched your privates together. For Christ’s sake. I daren’t even start on the whole, again now seemingly routine, “hi, I’m a man director but look, I make my man characters look like idiots, so … ladies? Come to bed!” crap. I’m just sick of it. And I don’t even consider myself a man. Thank god.

I don’t often do this but I’m posting this before the movie’s even halfway in. Don’t worry – I’ll watch the rest – I’m just scared of what else I’ll say if I leave this entry open any longer. I’ll come back if there’s some massive turn around in my opinion … but I very much doubt there will be such an epiphany. At the very least, we got Wainwright’s “Strange Weirdos” album out of this, so it can’t all be bad. But I can say for sure I’ll never go near the movie that inspired it again.

Edit: Okay, the fact that the one Wainwright song that did finally feature was my favourite “Daughter”, kinda raised it all a little. But damn … the one thing I forgot to mention before posting was, wtf? This thing is over two hours in length. It is way too long and the last 20 minutes are ludicrously drawn out. Bah. I’m just done talking about this one now.

... or, How pointless can one movie be? This one basically begins with the assumption that there are just so many unanswered questions in the original story that people are dying to have answered – the idea that evil of such nature as this has some kind of reasonable plan, some complicated mesh of forethought that needs another 90 minutes of disection to comprehend. It’s like making a movie trying to explain exactly why Frank N Furter, Riff Raff, Magenta and Columbia found their way to where Brad and Janet found them in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. To call it unnecessary just doesn’t even begin to cover the misguidedness. Even if we consider the source material of Ed Gein etc … is there ever really anything in the childhood or backstory of killers like this that explains why they did what they did? So we get a handful of scenes here asking questions like, Why is grandpa crippled? Because they’re crazy and they cut his legs off. Why is Hoyt the Sheriff? Because they’re crazy and they killed the sheriff. And so on.

There’s something to be said for the fact that the film makers seem to have realised the pointlessness of the backstory too, and outside of these admittedly few stabs at exposition, this simply turns into Another Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or The First Texas Chainsaw Massacre rather than The Beginning … sure, its slickness probably makes it a little better than at least one of the old sequels to the original original, and R. Lee Ermy is as freakishly watchable as he was in the first; but really, this is still about as pointless as it gets, and there are many more gorefests I’d sooner watch for a tenth time than watch this for the first time again.