Ugh, this is just one of those movies about which there is almost literally nothing to write. I listened for the first time to the Hollywood Saloon podcast last weekend (definitely recommended on the basis of just one episode) and they spoke at length about Roland Emmerich. I actually don’t have a great prejudice or bias for or against the guy really – Independence Day is fantastic, The Day After Tomorrow has its moments, Godzilla is great cheese and I found The Patriot very impressive coming from that same team (though, it’s interesting to note, like the Hollywood Saloon guys, I’m pushed to really remember much of that movie, lol).

So the problem I had coming to this movie was not Emmerich. The problem to me was – who really thought anybody actually wanted to see this thing? It’s just … nothing! We have seen all the visuals this movie has to offer many times before, often even better. I find the sabretooth tiger here no more lifelike than Aslan in the BBC’s adaptation of “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” 20 years ago let alone the more recent bigscreen version. The story is absolutely non-existent, purely an excuse for those visuals. My mind just boggles at why anybody felt this was worthy of the time, effort and money it takes to put a big budget movie together. It’s just appallingly useless.

Well, I feel privileged, because the one thing that could ever hope to make this movie part watchable is perhaps watching it on the exact day it takes place, that is, April Fool’s Day 2008 lol. If you haven’t seen the original production that this is a remake of, then it’s possible you might get the one-hit kick off it that I seem to remember I might have as an impressionable 11 year old or whatever age I was when I snook a watch of it with my brother many years ago. On the other hand if you have seen the original, then you know how it’s probably the most pointless and stupid cheat of a horror movie ever made, no matter what its cheese value may be.

I’d been misled into thinking this remake had made big changes in the ending and as soon as I got wind of this, clicking around the ‘net as the movie began, I immediately stopped browsing for fear of spoiling the surprise. Unfortunately, aside from an admittedly hilarious genuine jolt, there’s really no change here. It takes a full 38 minutes to really get going – the pacing is way off, everything up the the graveside scene could and should be covered in 20 minutes max – once it’s in the zone, it works as a direct-to-video slasher I guess, but what kind of praise is that? It has a very tacky plastic 90210 shiny TV people feel to it which is strangely appropriate.

I’m a sucker for event-relevant viewing options and coupled with that one little shocker at the end I can’t entirely dismiss it … but, meh, I’ll be going to the ‘86 production on this day in the future …

I don’t know what to say about this one – it’s a horror movie I’ve certainly been meaning to watch for a while, being as its one of Clive Barker’s few post-Hellraiser works as director. But your heart really sinks even as the opening credits roll – Scott Bakula, Famke Jannsen, who? and who?

The magic stuff is good, I guess; though frankly I’d sooner see something entirely unrelated like The Prestige or, a little closer, one of the F/X movies; there’s a noiry Blade Runneriness about the opening, and it winds up a little Temple of Doom like. More than anything, I noticed how easily could’ve simply been another Hellraiser sequel like, say Deader, being as the way that series went. That might have made it, if only slightly, memorable. As it is, it’s just a forgettable disappointment all round, really.

Lord … Ed Wood meets Herschell Gordon Lewis with a dash of John Waters lol. And by no means does this have even the semi-historical significance of either of those first two guys’ work – letting alone the artistic merit because, well, it’s best left alone, right? – nor any of the bite of the last. It actually makes me feel better when I watch a movie like this alongside a movie like Cathy’s Curse ‘cos it kinda reassures me and hopefully anyone reading that I’m not just a blind sucker for anything weird and obscure and dodgy lol. While Cathy went in the box with some of my favourite horror movies, this goes more with the forgettable likes of Mother’s Day, Bloody Birthday and Black Christmas – not to mention of course most of the HG Lewis stuff. I guess everyone has their own preferences. This one’s just not for me, and given the content, though I hadn’t expected it, I really would’ve thought otherwise.

I honestly wanted to start this review by basically saying, WTF did you expect? I kinda-sorta-liked the first AVP movie. And this one begins, if anything, better than that one did; throughout, it’s certainly slicker and better in the visual effects department. But between the earth teens storyline and the, “See? No Monster!” scene, just … oh my God. I appreciate that this movie is aimed solely at fanboys but come on, cinema is a broad enough medium that you can be so superficial and at least partially fulfilling in other ways; the first movie showed that in its ending. It’s been a long time since I saw it, but I swear, even Predator 2 was better than this under the gore and visuals.

Yes, still, if you’re complaining – and I am – “what did you expect?” is certainly a valid response … but jeez, it scares me to think anyone over the age of 13 is paying for this crap.

Okay, here’s how I occasionally find myself watching movies. Sometimes I have other things to do. I have this thing that I’m pretty sure that if a movie is actually brilliant it will grab my attention whether I’m entirely focussed on it or not but the fact is, I always prefer to be entirely focussed on it to start with if possible which is why I’m pretty hopeless at getting round to actually watching the damn things sometimes.

So what happened here was new to me. I read the synopsis – ah, lovely, simple “Wrong Turn” type thriller, probably awful but possibly quite gripping like “Breakdown” or whatever. Perfect kinda movie to half-watch. About 10 minutes in, I found my gaze drawn to the screen. Because it was getting interesting? HELL no. Because I suddenly had to check if it was actually as bad as it suddenly struck me lol.

It raises itself back up almost to the level of all other entirely missable teen thrillers in the end, if that’s any consolation … but really, when the best I can say for this is that it incremented my viewcount? Make of it what you will, lol. BTW the second time I looked up in the way I would if my interest had been piqued was to basically say, “WTF, is that it?” over the ending, lol. It’s really almost enough to put me off watching these kinds of movies even as background crap ever again; that the silly announcer man voice over the end credits chose to recommend The Number 23 for next Saturday night’s viewing simultaneously says all that needs to be said about the target audience here and makes me almost glad I’ll be at work when it’s on lol.

What is there to say? This is just a straight continuation of the story in Parent Trap III and as such just as avoidable. One thing I didn’t write in my review there was what I think is these two installments’ biggest failing – they focus way too much on the adults. I guess maybe they were trying to make the movies “grow up” with the fans of the first sequel (which, one supposes, was made since the video generation had just come across the original) – it’s still way too stuffy, even with Hayley Mills still floating around. Glenn Shadix (*Beetle Juice* and Heathers) provides some relief I seem to recall (writing up long after watching again, sorry), but it’s still really sad, even for a TV movie.

Eep. I didn’t need my full attention on this one to know from the start my pleasant surprise at part two wasn’t gonna last long. Threequel means we get triplets – well done – but clearly they cast the only triplets they could find, who all look (ok that’s redundant) like Amy Fisher, and basically this movie serves as a reason why you shouldn’t cast triplets as triplets unless you’re making a porno. They’re bad – and I’m not just saying that ‘cos they’re not cute as Hayley and Lindsay and Carrie etc … but for the record, they’re not

Hayley fares better here than in part two, it’s gotta be said – but that’s perhaps only ‘cos alongside the girls and Barry Bostwick, the frustratingly brief scenes with her simply carry the class she brings to everything she’s in. She even sings a few notes late in the game – okay, it’s about as pointless as Julie Andrews’ singing in Princess Diaries 2 but sometimes it really is the little things, lol. When I realise I’d rather be watching an episode of “Saved By the Bell” ... that’s when a movie is really not good.